De eerste blog van het nieuwe jaar
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De eerste blog van het nieuwe jaar

De eerste maand van het nieuwe jaar is bijna voorbij, een mooi moment om na te denken over wat je allemaal anders gaat doen dit jaar. Voor mij een moment om na te denken hoe ik verder ga met mijn zoektocht naar een liever en simpeler leven, want daar waar ik vol enthousiasme begon met het schrijven over deze zoektocht, bleef het in de praktijk allemaal een beetje hetzelfde. Met het minimalisme ben ik nog wel wekelijks bezig, en langzaamaan wordt het hier in huis dan ook steeds opgeruimder. Maar de tijd om spontaan taarten te bakken, een eigen moestuin te beginnen, vaker in de natuur te zijn, of uitgebreid gezond te koken, ontbreekt nog steeds.

2017 was het jaar waarin mijn oudste dochter voor het eerst naar de basisschool ging. Dochterlief moest tegen alle verwachting in ontzettend wennen, en ook ik vond het een hele verandering om mijn druktemaker zoveel te moeten missen. Ik begon mij ook af te vragen of ik wel genoeg van haar had genoten de afgelopen 4 jaar. De jaren zijn omgevlogen, en nu zij in het schoolritme zit, en ik haar maar 2 dagen zelf naar school kan brengen, en dus de rest aan de oppas overlaat, mis ik haar ontzettend. Dat geeft toch een schuldgevoel, want diep van binnen vind ik toch dat een moeder bij haar kinderen hoort te zijn. En alhoewel ik enorm trots ben op mijn werk, en op het feit dat ik een werkende moeder ben, voelt het nooit goed de kinderen zo vaak te moeten missen.

En dat is de afgelopen maanden steeds meer tegen gaan staan. Met name omdat ik naast mijn twee geweldige oppassers, eigenlijk ook een heel flexibele oppas nodig heb, met mijn baan in het onderwijs. Een oppas die de kinderen tijdens oudergesprekken, vergaderingen, cursussen etc. kan opvangen. Het zoeken van zo’n oppas stelde ik steeds uit, volgens sommige mensen zou ik daar best een ouder buurmeisje voor kunnen vragen. Ik heb dat serieus  overwogen, en kreeg het daar benauwd van. Alles in mij schreeuwde dat ik dat niet wilde, dat ik zelf voor mijn kinderen hoor te zorgen. En als je gevoel zich zo laat horen kun je alleen maar luisteren….

En dus is het besluit genomen, ik ga stoppen met werken. Ik besef dat ik deze tijd nooit meer kan overdoen. En op dit moment heb ik het alles overheersende gevoel dat ik zo ontzettend veel mis van mijn meisjes. Ik begrijp ook plotseling niet meer dat ik ooit carrière wou maken, wat bezielde me? Voor wie? Natuurlijk, we hebben geld voor merkkleding, vakanties en nog meer luxe, maar kinderen zijn net zo gelukkig in kleding van de hema, spelend op een camping in Nederland. Ik wil zo graag een leuke, lieve, creatieve moeder voor mijn kinderen zijn,  die er altijd voor ze is, en geen gehaaste moeder die mijn kinderen noodgedwongen meesleurt in het snelle leven . En alhoewel ik ook best wel bang ben dat ik spijt ga krijgen van deze keuze, of dat we het financieel toch niet redden, vind ik dat angst mij niet mag leiden in deze keuze, en ga ik puur op mijn gevoel de keuze maken. En alhoewel ik pas eind schooljaar definitief stop, geeft het nu al rust.

Dit jaar word ik een fulltime thuisblijfmama.

 

429 thoughts on “De eerste blog van het nieuwe jaar”

  1. Wat een dappere keuze! Mijn ouders werkte ook toen ik kind was, mijn vader fulltime, mijn moeder parttime. Nooit het gevoel dat ik iets heb moeten missen, zowel materieel als het zijn van een goed gezin! Maar ik begrijp volledig dat je deze keuze maakt! Die kids groeien zo snel!

  2. Wat een dappere moeder! Wat super dat je dit doet voor jezelf en je meiden. Wat betreft een flexibele oppas, wij hebben ook bewust een oppas met ervaring in onderwijs/ kinderopvang en 18+!

    Geniet er van!

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